Similar to Popular Belief, Milk Is Still Pretty Good. But Is It a Masterpiece?


Winston Clark, Staff Writer

Milk is not just good; it is a godsend from cows. Other people may put off the benevolent beverage for its strange origins, but fear not, for I am here to convince you otherwise! Follow the path to enlightenment with me and you shall see what it means to be free.

Some may claim that milk is “weird” or “gross”. Some say that this is because of its origins from the mammary glands of the beautiful bos taurus (the eloquent Latin name of a cow). But I ask you, if you were nursed by your mother, or were given a powdered alternative, how is this any different? This fact should clear your ad hominem argument and allow you to experience the creamy deliciousness. This is for your own good.

And to miss out on delicious milk would be torture. Its creaminess is unparalleled by any other beverage that is so naturally occuring. And yet this magnanimous milk is so often altered to fit the dietary needs of sickly, measly stomachs. 

This is a hotly debated thing in the dairy community, on whether we shall tarnish the name of milk in favor of broader consumption. The only true form of milk is the natural, raw, occasionally pasteurised version. All others are blasphemous, gross heresy. I will only say, the upper echelon of the dairy community looks down upon you nonfat milk drinkers.

Since the beginning of civilization, men and women have wondered what could hide in the udders of cows. But one day, a heroic man (or woman) braved the udder so that all others could taste the beauty of milk. Jesters laugh at this person, though they should be heralded. For where would dairy be without this neolithic mastermind? This, similarly, is heresy. 

The smiles that milk has brought to so many people across the world are uncountable. Remember your first milk mustache? Remember your taste buds rejoicing like Siddhartha Gautama as he had that bowl of rice? 

Indeed, milk is magnificent, a raw masterpiece. On your next visit to the fridge, or maybe your fourth or fifth, consider milk. It does a body and mind good. Take it from me.