18-year-old Davit “Davo” Medzeshyan, a student at Glendale Community College, was recently selected to join Formula One after a recruiter spotted him participating in a street race down Glenoaks Boulevard on Saturday, January 13. Formula One is a prestigious, international racing organization. According to the recruiter, Chester Giovanni, Medzeshyan was going at 100 miles per hour in his BMW 7 Series. 

Medzeshyan claims this estimate is incorrect. “I was going 120,” he asserted. “Did he say I was going 100?” 

“It was incredible, really, incredible,” recounted Giovanni. “I mean, the speed limit was 40? Maybe 35? And I see this kid just whizzing down the street. I felt the wind of him going by. I knew I had to approach him.”

Medzeshyan explained that he originally felt hesitant to accept the recruiter’s offer. “I didn’t know if the guy was legit at first, and I was worried my mom wouldn’t let me,” he admitted. “She wants me to be a lawyer.” Fortunately, Medzeshyan chose to broaden his horizons with this opportunity. 

Local authorities claim that Medzeshyan hit multiple parked cars in an attempt to get an edge on his opponent. Giovanni explains that this kind of ‘tenacity’ is exactly what Formula One is looking for. “Yeah, I mean, it shows the kid is a real go-getter, y’know? He’s not afraid to make mistakes.” 

The police were reportedly “so proud” of Medzeshyan’s achievement that they refused to arrest him. “He’s just a kid,” commented one officer. “It’s clear he’s got a real talent for this stuff.” 

The owners of the cars destroyed by Medzeshyan added that they too were impressed by his speed. “Did you see how fast the kid was going? He was flooring it! What an inspiration,” declared the owner of a Subaru. “Oh, the car? The car is completely totaled. It’s in shreds. Looked awesome when he was hitting it, though!”

The Glendale Police Department issued a statement on Twitter congratulating Medzeshyan on his recruitment. The statement also disclosed the decision to override the addition of speed cameras to Glendale-area intersections, based on Medzeshyan’s recruitment. “We don’t want to discourage anyone from following their dreams, like this remarkable young man did on Saturday,” the statement read. 

When confronted with the legality of Medzeshyan’s race, Giovanni dismissed the accusation. “There are always going to be haters trying to bring you down, telling you what you can and can’t do,” he said. “They’re just jealous of what Davo has been able to achieve.”

Despite the fact that Medzeshyan does not currently possess a racing license, he is set to appear in the upcoming Bahrain Grand Prix event in March, as a driver for Team Mercedes. 

Go get ‘em, Davo! Glendale is so very proud of you!

[Advisor’s note: This is a satire. Nothing this ridiculous could ever happen in our city…]